How To Say Welcome, How To Be Appreciated
Chapter 6: Knowing how to talk,
using people is no longer difficult
Lesson 1: No matter how close your relationship is,
you need to be polite
Quan is a recent graduate,
after entering the company,
he quickly got along with his colleagues.
people had a very good impression of him,
but over time,
people discovered that he spoke without moderation,
did not know how to care for the welfare of others.
Perhaps normally Quan was used to being casual,
so he didn’t realize it.
Seeing that his colleague had a job to go out,
he blurted out:
“When you come back,
help me pack the napkins!”
After his colleague brought it home,
he was busy reading the news,
so he didn’t even raise his head and said,
“Just leave it on the table.”
his colleagues felt that
he was too rude and could not communicate,
so he did not want to cooperate with him at work.
When distributing wages,
Quan also listened to the salaries of his colleagues from many sides.
He asked Ms. Van from the administrative office
to print the document for him,
then took it away without saying a word of thanks.
There are many similar situations like this,
in the end everyone has an opinion with Quan.
Someone cleverly reminded him to pay attention to politeness,
but he immediately argued:
“Everyone is so close, why speak politely!”
Quan’s words at first seem to make a lot of sense,
but in fact,
they are completely wrong.
No matter how close the relationship between colleagues is,
there should be the necessary politeness in speaking.
no matter how close the relationship,
still need to be said,
such as “please”,
But why did Quan use such an excuse to explain his disrespect?
That’s because he’s taken me from my stomach,
imposing his habits and ideas on others.
the “Projection effect” is a cognitive obstacle,
just inferring one’s belly into a human belly,
someone thinks that others
and themselves have similar characteristics,
so apply pressure put his feelings,
and character on others in a very natural way.
The character Quan in this story,
thinks that he is already very close to everyone,
it is not necessary to pay attention to the polite words that
do not know that everyone is paying attention.
In human-to-human communication,
ritual is an important exchange bridge.
A person who does not understand etiquette is very easy
to impose his or her thoughts on others,
in words or behaviors that easily cause unnecessary harm to others,
generate unnecessary misunderstandings,
cause discord in communication.
Therefore, no matter how close the relationship
between the two sides is,
it is necessary to observe the minimum etiquette,
polite words are always on the lips.
There is a joke that goes like this:
Viet Phuong took his new girlfriend to a restaurant to have dinner,
Viet Phuong’s friend Thanh Loan left the restaurant
when he saw Viet Phuong eating with the girl,
so he went and said:
“Brother, Ms. This is pretty, where did you find it?
Seeing the angry girl turn to the side,
Viet Phuong’s face fell.
Thanh Loan did not know the moderation and continued:
“The evening at the old place,
let’s have a little fun.”
The other girl heard those words,
turned around and left,
Viet Phuong glared at Thanh Loan
and chased after her girlfriend,
while Thanh Loan still didn’t understand what was going on,
she was angry and wondered:
“What did he do today?
Although it is a joke,
such things are very common in life.
There are many people in class meetings,
in front of their partner’s lover or friend,
mentioning previous private secrets
or other people’s awkward things,
eventually causing everyone feels uncomfortable.
We must understand that,
in addition to the necessary politeness,
attention to the situation,
this is also an important element in the code of etiquette.
Say it right,
say it well,
this is extremely important for each of us
and directly affects our communication.
In daily communication,
although we may not be good at speaking,
we should at least speak appropriately,
with different people and situations,
need to understand the necessary communication methods and methods.,
no matter how close the relationship is with people,
we must also pay attention to etiquette,
to avoid interfering with our communication problems.
There is a saying in the folklore:
“Speech does not cost money to buy,
choose words that please each other.”
Communication is an art,
and the first important element of this art is to understand etiquette.
Rituals not only need to be expressed in front of strangers,
but when interacting with acquaintances,
you must also pay attention to keep it in moderation,
so that you can maintain a good communication relationship.
So in communication,
what necessary etiquette should we follow?
(1) Use honorifics when speaking
“Please”, “thank you”, “sorry”,
these three simple-sounding sentences are indispensable in everyday communication.
The Japanese are quite focused on this point,
you can see their permanent sayings
“First time meeting,
please be kind”,
“Thank you for your attention”,
“Sorry to bother you”,
these necessary rituals should be observed by each of us,
no matter the relationship.
No matter how close they are,
they can’t be ignored.
(2) It is necessary to base on the situation before speaking
In different cases,
with different identities,
the methods and content of the talk are also different.
We can’t speak arbitrarily,
no matter who the other person is,
under what circumstances,
that will definitely make others feel offensive.
When talking to the above person must be respectful,
in cases of etiquette,
speak in moderation,
these are all things we should pay attention to.
(3) Rejecting others must be tactful
When others give us an opinion
or suggestion that we cannot accept,
we should not refuse stiffly,
first express our thanks,
then politely decline,
this is better by refusing frankly,
it will easily bring us a good communication relationship.
Lesson 2: Don’t arbitrarily flatter, prepare well
A man was about to be appointed to another province as a mandarin,
before he left,
he came to say goodbye to his teacher.
The teacher said to him:
“It is not easy for you to go to another place to be a mandarin,
everything must be careful.”
This person said:
“It’s okay, now people like to listen to good words,
I have prepared 100 flattering sentences,
give each person one sentence, so it’s reassuring.”
The teacher just heard this sentence,
was very angry,
immediately taught him:
“How many times have I told you,
to be a person must be upright,
as my student,
why are you like this?”
This person said:
“Please calm down,
students have no choice,
there are many people in the world
who do not like to flatter like you.”
As soon as he finished speaking,
the teacher immediately nodded and said yes.
Out of the teacher’s house,
this wise man said to his friend:
“I prepared 100 sentences,
now there are only 99 sentences left!”
Although this story is short,
it deeply depicts the human psychology of liking to be flattered,
even if you are an upright teacher,
it only takes one flattering sentence to generate sympathy.
When it comes to people who flatter themselves,
educated people consider themselves to be noble,
and so on,
ordinary people will of course find it hard to avoid it.
The king’s mentality:
Everyone wants to prove themselves to be the number one,
best or at least to prove themselves not the weak.
The dignity and will of man to rise are all forms of external expression
of the prince’s mentality,
while envy is a combination of the prince’s mentality
and the revenge mentality of man.
Why do people like to be flattered, like to be flattered?
it is also related to dignity.
Psychology says that honor is an external manifestation of the prince’s mentality.
Humans all have a princely mentality,
this mentality is determined from within their consciousness,
thinking that they are the strongest,
hoping to be the most important person in the eyes of others,
aspire to be respected of others.
As for appropriate flattering sentences,
they also meet this psychological need of people,
so the dignity of people makes flattery useful,
giving the flatterer an infinite space wide open to develop his flattery.
Flattery seems like an easy thing to do,
but it’s actually an art.
-Many people know the effect of flattery,
but when applying it,
it does not get the desired results,
obviously wanting to flatter others,
flatter others to get sympathized,
but the result turned into insults against others.
A successful man,
goes to the market to buy vegetables.
First he picked a few tomatoes,
said to buy a pound,
the salesman weighed it,
it was just round one pound.
He picked some cucumbers again,
said 1.5 kilograms, put it on the scale,
it was exactly 1.5 kilograms.
The salesman returned the money
while saying in a tone of surprise and exaggeration:
“You’re really good at picking,
you’ve sold vegetables before, haven’t you?”
The well-meaning salesman wanted to flatter this man’s accurate estimate of his weight,
he wanted to buy as much as he wanted,
but the result of his words was like sarcasm and slander,
making the other party crying and laughing,
and the salesman himself is both laborious and unpopular.
Flattery is not an easy thing,
people who are not flexible in mind,
not quick to react may not be able to do it, while,
some people are born to know how to flatter,
do not need lessons,
Meet anyone can tell,
no matter how big or weak you are,
he can flatter you and make you smile.
Binh Minh is a master of flattery,
one day he invited the leaders to eat,
he stood at the door of the restaurant to welcome him.
Secretary Dung came first with his Audi A6,
and Binh Minh rushed over to flatter him:
“A beautiful car like this is rare in our place.
Hey, you’re so trendy!”
After a while,
Manager Ngoc stepped out of the taxi,
Binh Minh quickly flattered:
“Head of Department Ngoc went out to play for the driver to rest,
you are so kind!”
As soon as he finished speaking,
Deputy Director Son came on a bicycle,
Binh Minh greeted again:
“Today the weather is beautiful,
riding a bicycle is good enough to exercise,
a leader like you but Riding a bike is really rare.
Deputy Director Trung also came,
because his house was close,
he walked over,
of course Binh Minh also had to flatter him,
“I keep wondering why your health is so good,
So it’s because I often walk!”
The masters of flattery are people like Binh Minh,
meeting anyone who says that,
makes everyone feel very comfortable,
although everyone knows he is flattery,
but after smiling,
he understood to receptive,
and at the same time want to continue communicating with him.
It can be seen that the words of flattery
to a certain extent also have the effect of praise and entertainment,
so the communication relationship is also enhanced.
There is a saying that “A good word warms all three”,
flatters others, says words that make others happy,
we also have a good communication relationship,
so why don’t we continue to talk to each other?
continue to develop.
if we want to become a great flatter,
we need to pay attention to the following points:
(1) Flattery must be rooted in the truth
When we flatter others,
we must not look for advantages that
the other party does not have to flatter,
otherwise it will become flattery,
Flattery should be about enhancing the other person’s strengths,
so before flattering someone,
if time permits,
it’s best to get to know them in depth.
(2) Flattery must be proper
Flattery is characterized
by flaunting the other person’s strengths appropriately,
but be sure not to overdo it,
or the other person will think we are flattering the other person
and not him.
Lesson 3: Give a problem that makes others answer in the affirmative
Vuong Minh heard that the unit is preparing
to solve the city household registration problem for some of its employees,
and he is preparing to get married this year.
He always calculates for himself to have a city hukou,
so that it is more convenient for his children
to go to school later.
So he went to visit the head of the human resources department.
Vuong Minh said to the leader:
“Sir, I heard that the unit is preparing
to solve the household registration problem for some employees,
do you think I have hope?”
The leader was afraid to directly refuse Vuong Minh,
so he said vaguely:
“This issue still has to go through the discussion group,
I can’t decide by myself.”
No matter what Vuong Minh said,
the leader said he couldn’t decide,
in the end he had to quietly leave.
Another time to visit the leader,
Vuong Minh changed his strategy.
He did not ask the question the leader could not answer affirmatively,
but selected a number of related issues.
Vuong Minh said:
“Sir, is there any standard in this matter of household registration?”
The leader said:
“There are certain standards,
having to work in the unit for five years or more.”
Vuong Minh had only worked for four years,
clearly not meeting this standard,
so he asked:
“Is there any other requirements?”
The leader said:
“There are also a few other requirements,
such as having an important contribution to the unit,
the first year-end evaluation performance…”
Vuong Minh understood what the leader meant,
he was not suitable.
If he meets the standard of five years
but is an elite employee with outstanding performance,
he can win this opportunity.
So Vuong Minh found his leader,
in turn visited the leaders of the human resource management group.
Finally, thanks to the guidance of the leader of the human resources department,
he built himself a solid premise
before the policy of the unit was not announced
and solved the household registration problem as expected.
Why did the two times
when Vuong Minh came to the leader,
the effect was different?
That’s because the first time he came,
the problem he raised was so direct and general,
the leadership couldn’t give him an affirmative answer.
If you give him an affirmative answer,
unfortunately the failure will turn into offending others.
As for the second time,
the question that Vuong Minh asked was quite specific,
and the leader easily answered.
thanks to his skillful way of asking questions,
got the desired results.
In life, there is a phenomenon like this,
before the vague question of others,
people will not give a definite answer,
but will say it vaguely.
Like the leader in the story will not be convenient
to answer Vuong Minh’s question.
On the contrary,
if when asking a question,
we think about the opponent’s position,
then we will ask some specific questions,
thereby understanding the opponent’s intentions.
A company has deployed senior personnel,
the position of general director has three candidates,
respectively A, B, C.
Their ages are 7X, 6X, 5X respectively.
When employees asked who the board would ultimately choose,
they all responded with the answer that
no final decision had been made.
One smart people know,
if they ask the administrator directly,
they will definitely temporarily keep it confidential,
so they won’t be able to ask for valuable content.
So he asked a few questions to which the board could give affirmative answers.
“Is the transfer of senior personnel to show that
the company’s strategy has adjusted?”
“When will the company release the information?”
Management for the stability of the company are happy to answer these questions.
When they let their guard down,
he asked a question:
“Is the future CEO 7X, 6X or 5X?”
One of them answered without hesitation:
“6X”. And this employee got the correct answer.
when asking questions to others,
if you know how to ask a few questions that
the other person can answer affirmatively,
the other person will show support
and affirm your problem in psychology,
thereby unintentionally ignoring some secondary issues,
even if there is a problem that is not convenient to answer,
the other party will also give an affirmative answer.
an employee wants to ask for a salary increase to the director,
and the director will immediately refuse.
But if this employee starts with price,
work intensity and salary in the industry,
and finally mentions salary increase,
then the director will feel the employee’s request is reasonable,
finally agreed to give him a raise.
when we make requests and problems with others,
it is best not to ask questions that
make the other person difficult to answer at the beginning,
but can first start from related issues,
win the opponent’s trust,
make the opponent relax his defense,
make the opponent respond naturally.
when making requests and questions to others,
we also need some skills:
(1) The question is too difficult to answer in the end
First of all, let’s talk from simple issues,
so that the opponent’s mentality will accept,
in the end we will raise more difficult problems,
on the one hand,
because the opponent is saving face,
it is not convenient to refuse psychologically he already acknowledged us,
so it would be easy for us to make an affirmation.
(2) After raising the issue,
pay attention to observe the other’s facial expression
The eyes and facial expressions of the opponent can all reflect
how the problem we raised has had a psychological effect on him,
when we discover that the other person has become unsightly,
try changing the question,
or change the angle of the question.
Lesson 4: Expressing thoughts or recommendations must be clear and precise
In the company’s meeting,
the director proposed a new product consumption plan for everyone to discuss.
after carefully analyzing the director’s product consumption plan,
felt that there was something wrong,
but could not see where there was a problem.
he stood up and said,
“Sir, I feel a bit unsettled by this option.”
The director looked at Viet Anh,
feeling a little dissatisfied in his heart,
but still smiling and asked:
“So you tell everyone what’s wrong?”
Viet Anh said:
“I feel that we should focus on civil servants,
who do not have such great purchasing power.”
The director heard that,
his heart felt even more uncomfortable,
this plan is aimed at the class of civil servants,
this is an exception.
The director waved his hand
and told Viet Anh to sit down,
the meeting did not discuss this issue anymore,
but ignored it.
From a psychological perspective,
the director did not agree with Viet Anh’s point of view,
perhaps because he did not express it clearly,
but he did not have the opportunity to continue speaking.
What about the director?
He didn’t pay attention to his speech,
was in a meeting,
and was absent-minded,
unable to do great things;
Or the director thinks that he is too small and talented,
difficult to go far,
not suitable to be a manager.
Thus, Viet Anh’s path to advancement only caused obstacles
because of his unclear expression.
No one wants to hear thoughts
or recommendations that have no practical meaning,
those empty words when communicating with others,
or in many other cases are filtered out by those around them.
As for you,
once you express your empty thoughts or suggestions,
your image will decrease in the hearts of others,
even some people will think that you are ignorant,
Understand the fact,
if your superiors,
your director also think so,
it will be very disadvantageous for you.
Psychology believes that,
if a person can express his thoughts
and recommendations clearly
he will be assessed as thorough,
and will easily receive the affirmation
and trust of others.
On the contrary,
if your thoughts and recommendations are not clear and precise,
others will think that you are incompetent,
not enough to shoulder an important responsibility,
or think that you are not practical,
and thereby press the good image of you is also greatly reduced.
After you give a clear and precise thought
or suggestion to another person,
he will first express his affirmation to you,
and then arise
positive associations with your abilities.
if your thoughts and recommendations are clear and accurate,
you can see compliments
and adoration right in the other’s eyes,
which will also make you more confident,
Your confidence will also become a bright spot that attracts others,
the more others will feel confident in you.
A depressed patient went to see a psychiatrist.
This psychiatrist had just started practicing,
when he saw the patient,
his heart suddenly felt a little tense.
After asking about the patient’s situation,
this psychologist suggested:
“You can try walking in the park every day,
going hiking or traveling every few days.
A friend of mine got rid of depression through this method.”
This patient heard that,
his eyes filled with confidence.
The psychologist is also more confident,
continuing to talk about the therapeutic effect of walking
and traveling with depression.
Finally, the patient agreed with the doctor’s way of thinking
and decided to give it a try.
Thus, it can be seen that
this talk has had a great effect on the patient and the psychologist,
the patient finds a possible cure,
and the psychologist is also empowered to believe in your work.
Whether in communication or in discussion,
only clearly stating thoughts
and suggestions can gain the affirmation and beliefs of others,
and workable thoughts
and recommendations will make others feel better.
Discover the qualities in you.
So how can you express your thoughts
and recommendations clearly and accurately?
(1) Specific analysis of the problem
To do this,
we must first stop empty talk,
words that have no value
when spoken only make people feel worse.
When making specific recommendations,
let’s try to think from the other side of the problem,
argue from many aspects,
do not make subjective judgments.
(2) Do not rush to say
Many people when discussing issues in the meeting,
are in a hurry to express themselves,
resulting in their thoughts
or recommendations that make people unhappy,
have unobjective opinions,
and have incomplete opinions.
let’s try to listen to what other people say,
after synthesizing other people’s opinions,
we can give practical thoughts or suggestions.
Lesson 5: Actively ask others to “continue talking”,
talk about topics that make the other person excited
Minh Giang is a professional employee of a company.
when he went to the customer to introduce the product,
the customer was watching the World Cup.
Minh Giang does not disturb customers,
but watches football with customers,
and sometimes cheers for the team and customers.
After the match ended,
Minh Giang asked:
“Which team do you like?”
The customer said:
Minh Giang doesn’t know much about the Brazilian team,
but when he saw a picture of the Brazilian team
and Ronaldinho on the wall in the client’s office,
he immediately said:
“Unfortunately, this World Cup is not,
The customer also said with regret:
“I don’t know what Dunga thinks,
an excellent player like Ronaldinho is not selected in the list,
it’s okay to be a substitute!” Minh Giang again said:
“Do you normally play football,
so surely you know some of Ronaldinho’s great skills?”
The customer laughed haha:
“I can’t be that mature,
Ronaldinho’s skills are built on a very good basis…”
We communicate with others,
if we can care about other people’s interests and preferences,
choose according to their preferences,
then when communicating with them,
we will be much more comfortable.
Minh Giang in the story has grasped this point,
although he did not understand much about the Brazilian team,
he was able to grasp important information,
lead customers to actively talk,
this achieved the purpose initial communication.
Everyone has different interests and hobbies,
if we can accurately grasp the preferences of others,
and at the same time show respect,
feel interested in this,
then Expanding the topic between the two sides
They will be very beneficial to build our good communication relationship.
This is the application of the law of preference for others.
The law of choosing according to other people’s preferences:
Everyone has different interests and preferences,
if we can accurately grasp the preferences of others in communication,
we can take advantage of their preferences
to develop the topic of conversation,
achieve the purpose of communication,
and build good communication relationships.
If we want to let others accept us
and become interested in us,
we must pay attention to find out the topics and interests
that the other person is interested in.
If we only talk about topics that we are interested in,
it is unlikely that the other party will feel interested,
so it is easy to interfere with communication
and affect communication feelings of both sides.
when he was eight years old,
a professor from Yale University went to his aunt’s house
for the weekend.
In the evening,
a middle-aged man came to visit,
and after chatting with his aunt,
he immediately talked to eight-year-old Phelps.
Phelps was very interested in sailing at the time,
and this person also seems to be interested in sailing.
The two kept talking about this topic for a long time
and quickly became close friends.
After the guests returned,
Phelps praised this man:
“He’s so smart,
he knows a lot about sailing!”
But her aunt said to Phelps,
“He’s a lawyer in New York City with no interest in sailing.”
Phelps said suspiciously,
“Then why is he talking about sailing ships with you?”
“Because he thinks I’m interested in sailing,
he says some things that make me feel good.”
At that time,
Phelps understood that the other party meant to follow him.
Even into adulthood,
he still did not forget that friendly lawyer.
Carnegie once said,
“Whether it’s a butcher or a baker,
even an emperor on high,
wants to see other people do good to him.”
Whether it is casual communication in daily life
or business negotiation in commerce,
as long as we can find each other’s interests,
we can prolong the topic,
make the other person feel happy looks,
which in turn also makes us happy to receive a return.
The method of communication according
to the preferences of others is widely applied in life,
becoming the secret for many people
to build good communication relationships.
So, how should we be able to choose according
to the preferences of others,
prolonging the conversation topic of the two sides?
(1) Learn to probe through words and facial expressions
Choosing according to other people’s preferences,
making the other person feel our good intentions,
absolutely not flattery
but must focus on speaking skills.
This requires us to learn how to probe through our facial expressions,
analyze them correctly,
and learn what the other person is really interested in.
Examples are jewelry,
and home decor.
(2) Starting from the public topic
When we socialize with strangers there’s usually a certain defensiveness,
which makes us sometimes feel like we don’t know where to start.
At this point,
let’s try to start from a few public topics,
such as talking about the weather,
In this way,
it will dispel the enemy’s defensive mentality,
creating a basis for exchanges one more step.
(3) Starting from the topic of interest
People all have a certain interest in new things,
for example recent movies,
latest stock situation,
latest house prices… from major events.
When it comes to small things such as eating,
we can all find topics that make the other person feel interested,
so the topic of conversation between the two sides will increase,
when communicating is also much easier.