Humor is the weapon of unarmed people: it helps people who are oppressed to smile at the situation that pains them. — Simon Wiesenthal
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. — Oscar Wilde
If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to. — Dorothy Parker
My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher. — Socrates
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Here is a top funny quotes collection
1. People say money is not the key to happiness,
but I have always figured if you have enough money,
you can have a key made. — Joan Rivers
2. If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once. — Aldo Cammarota
3. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. — Will Ferrell
4. Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you. — Jay Trachman
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5. The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. — Lucille Ball
6. Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. — Rod Stewart
7. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. — Jim Carrey
8. Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas. — Paula Poundstone
9. A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children. — Dave Barry
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10. Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into a home. — Dennis Miller
11. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. — Rodney Dangerfield
12. If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them. —Reese Witherspoon
13. When your mother asks,
‘Do you want a piece of advice?’
it is a mere formality.
It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no.
You’re going to get it anyway. — Erma Bombeck
14. Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life. — Kate Davis
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15. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford.
Then I want to move in with them. — Phyllis Diller
16. It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically,
‘Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin.
Close your mouth when you chew.
Don’t lean back in your chair.’
Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along. — Erma Bombeck
17. There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. — Jerry Seinfeld
18. There are two classes of travel, first class and with children. — Robert Benchley
19. When your children are teenagers,
it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you. — Nora Ephron
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20. Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city. — George Burns
21. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. — Phyllis Diller