Humor is the weapon of unarmed people: it helps people who are oppressed to smile at the situation that pains them. — Simon Wiesenthal
and Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. — Oscar Wilde
Why? If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to. — Dorothy Parker
What is funny? My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher. — Socrates
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Here is a top funny quotes collection
1. People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. — Joan Rivers
2. If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once. — Aldo Cammarota
3. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. — Will Ferrell
4. Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you. — Jay Trachman
5. The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. — Lucille Ball
6. Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. — Rod Stewart
7. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. — Jim Carrey
8. Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas. — Paula Poundstone
9. A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children. — Dave Barry
10. Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into a home. — Dennis Miller
11. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. — Rodney Dangerfield
12. If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them. —Reese Witherspoon
13. When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality.It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. — Erma Bombeck
14. Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life. — Kate Davis
15. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford.
Then I want to move in with them. — Phyllis Diller
16. It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically,
‘Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin.
Close your mouth when you chew.
Don’t lean back in your chair.’
Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along. — Erma Bombeck
17. There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. — Jerry Seinfeld
18. There are two classes of travel, first class and with children. — Robert Benchley
19. When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you. — Nora Ephron
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20. Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city. — George Burns
21. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. — Phyllis Diller
22. My desire and wish is that the things I start with should be so obvious that you wonder why I spend my time stating them.
This is what I aim at because the point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as not to seem worth stating, and to end with something so paradoxical that no one will believe it. ― Bertrand Russell
23. It’s easy to fall in love. The hard part is finding someone to catch you. ― Bertrand Russell
24. No one owns you. One hundred per cent of the stock in your personal corporation belongs to you. ― George Matthew Adams
25. Courage is heart worth making itself felt in deeds. It never waits for chances; it makes chances. ― George Matthew Adams
26. My approach is that you have to earn the respect of people you work with. — Mark Pincus